The Pain of Days Long Gone...

This morning I woke and turned over to my back and stretched out and then had a thought that I guess had been lingering in the back of mind my for some time now. I had the feeling that I just wanted to be laying next to him, in his bed, in his room. I wanted to turn over and be nose to nose with him. I just wanted to be embraced by his arms once again. I even miss the corny little good morning/ goodnight text he used to send.    I sometimes if he reads some of these post and wonder if they are directed towards him. The little things in life mean so much more when you no longer have them. The pain of a void long gone, yes we've said that the past is now water under the bridge and that we can be friends but what does that really mean if we can't speak to each other as we once did? But should they mean so much if you aren't sure if there were real? Should I miss something that wasn't really mine to begin with?

Seeing Clearly.

Ah so after all the rain I was put through last week I am able to see and think with a clear head. I actually grew a lot between last Tuesday and right now. I no longer want to be petty about things and I want to own my emotions. I'll no longer let them get out of control, control me or be controlled by others. Now as for what happened last week, I'm willing to forgive the person for what they did but I will not forget and I know our relationship romantically wise has to be permanently severed. But as far as being platonic friends I would love to work on that but I'm not sure if that's a good mood or they would even accept me in that way. I can honestly say I miss being friends in every sense of that word. I miss the talks, randomly checking up on each other., the encouraging words and the jokes. *sigh* What to do?

I'm okay...

For the first time in WEEKS I can say this, my life is far from being free of problems. In fact, I know there are more to come but I feel a certain peace has came over me. Thank God.

The Truth

The truth is I miss you or at least I miss who I thought you were or maybe that's who you really are but the situation bought out the demon.  Another truth is you think I'm insane and you don't think much of me. I guess this is why the say the truth hurts.

The Worst Feeling...

is losing a friend so suddenly that you almost didn't see it coming.  You want to text or call them but you know there will be no answer so it's pointless. Betrayal hurts so bad, words hurt so bad, actions hurt so bad. I thought I'd be happier knowing that I was free from your lies. But I can't help but feel a void, a deep ache. Almost like you died.

It Was All Done in the Dark....

And we all know what's done in the dark eventually comes to the light.
So this guy I've been dealing with for sometime now got caught dead in his lie. Have you ever gave someone an open opportunity to be honest with you and they still lie? Well this is what happened to me basically I asked the guy did he mess with any other girls (because he asked if I talked with other guys) and if he did I wouldn't have a problem b/c I wasn't his girlfriend so he was pretty much free to do what he wanted. He swore me down that he wasn't and any time I asked he would shut that idea quickly and assure me that he was only dealing with me. I knew this wasn't the whole truth but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. (yes, go ahead and call me stupid b/c it was). Lately he had been really distant and not speaking to me as much as he used to and I saw some things between him and a girl he dated (that I happened to know) that looked a little suspect. Well today I tired of being left in the dark about things broke it off completely with him and said that I wanted my things back from him and all of that. And just to make sure I wasn't making an ass out of myself I messaged the girl myself and come to find out no they weren't together but they still spent a lot of time together and she just like me had her doubts b/c he was pretty much telling her what he told me. After our conversation she told him to get his stuff from her house. You know what this negro does? BLOCK ME FROM FB! She didn't tell him that I told him but I guess he connected dots or probably looked into her FB account. But anyway how is it that he's mad at me and he is the one that hurt and betrayed me. He can block, delete, erase me all he wants but it still doesn't change the fact that he is the one who has done wrong and he was caught! I'm glad I went about this in a mature way and finally asked what I needed to ask because if not I still would have been in the dark and being strung along! I've never been in a situation like this before but wow it is a lesson learned definitely. I pray for people like him though and their souls. I'm not perfect but I wouldn't do something that I knew in the end could ultimately hurt someone.

Tonight....

I came in contact with the reality, I can no longer sit in my denial. *